Losing My Marbles

For the past couple of weeks, we have had trouble with Big Sister Bear throwing tantrums. We're talking honkin' huge tantrums. That last a long, long time. With lots of kicking and screaming thrown in for good measure. Daily. Time outs were suddenly completely ineffective as she would no longer go to the time out location or remain there. Spankings, my discipline method of very last choice, were also completely ineffective. Since Big Sister Bear has always been a pretty cooperative cub and time outs had always worked wonders, we were kind of stymied by this situation. We tried all kinds of things, all unsuccessful. Whats a Mama Bear to do???

Finally I decided that if the stick was not working at this phase of her life, maybe the carrot would. We wanted to reward the good behavior without having to reward all day long for every little good moment. Big Sister Bear is always quick to find a way to turn a situation to her advantage, and I didn't want to hear "Mama, I did what you asked me to do, where is my reward?" over and over again througout the day. Plus, she should do what we ask her to do because that is the right thing to do...not because she expects to get something in return each time.

We pulled out my marbles, which my mom saved for me from my childhood and recently gave back to me (um...thanks Mom!). I put them in the kitchen next to a bowl and a bucket. Each day, we would put 5 marbles in her bowl. To get even more buy-in from her, I let her choose the marbles each day. Every time she is completely defiant or throws a fit, I remove one marble from her bowl. At the end of the day, if there are any marbles left, she gets to put them in her bucket. After she collects enough marbles in her bucket, she can trade them in for prizes in a manner similar to money. Each prize is listed on paper with a marble amount associated with it. She can buy the prize by telling me which one she wants and giving me the correct number of marbles back.

Here is our starting list of prizes:

• candles of her choice at dinner time, 3 marbles
• extra turn of her music choice in the car, 4 marbles (we usually alternate choosing music)
  
• choosing which foods I put in her bin of snacks from a list of acceptable choices, 5 marbles (she can get and choose any snack from the bin at snack time)
• extra choice of game at game night, 7 marbles (usually we each choose one game)
• when we go out to eat, she can choose the restaurant from a list of acceptable choices, 15 marbles
• ice cream at cold stone creamery, 35 marbles
  
• small purchase at our local school supply store, 60 marbles

Those last two prizes were specifically suggested by Big Sister Bear. This is a good example of how she works to turn a situation to her advantage. Obviously we need some more prize ideas for a medium amount of marbles and we may need to increase the marble cost of those last two items as well. I am sure this will be a work in progress for a little while.

Most of the prizes will be about giving her more control in her life. Right now with the addition of Brother and Small Bears to our family, I am sure that she is feeling a loss of control and attention. She used to get to make many more choices simply because I had the time and energy to accomodate them. Both of those resources are now in short supply. If anyone has suggestions for prizes that are not relating to food treats or purchases, I would love to hear them!

Last night, my brother (Uncle Bear?) stopped in for a visit on his way to California. Naturally we discussed our various cubs, and our conversation came around to this scenario. Imagine my surprise and excitement when he told me that Big Cousin Bear (Hi, 'A'!) has a similar reward system at her school with creative and interesting prizes offered. If it can work for her teacher, maybe it can work for us!

We have so far completed only two days on this system, and clearly it is too soon to say if it will work long term. With that being said, I must say that the last two and a half days have been such a pleasure! Big Sister Bear is like a whole new cub. Or maybe just back to her sweet wonderful self. In any case, I have not yet had to take away a marble or even figure out how to make her go to time out while simultaneously feeding two hungry babies. Who knew that my road to sanity would begin with me losing my marbles?